To be honest, I'm kind of a hormonal/emotional wreck, but I think it's just because I haven't slept much and now that I'm home and not running on adrenaline I have more time to process this whole experience, and it's so life changing and overwhelming. I promise I'm fine. I think after these first few days I'll get used to things and you know, start brushing my teeth and wearing real clothes again and we'll be good to go.
Don't get me wrong, I'm so happy and every time my baby wakes up and I see her sweet little face, I am the happiest I've ever been in the world. Rob adores her too and it's so wonderful to watch him take care of her and adjust to this new role. I love waking up with her in the night, changing her diapers, and holding her close to my heart as she falls asleep after I feed her. She is a perfect baby and I never thought I could love her so much (and I thought I loved her before she was born). It's just such a huge, defining moment in my life and I can't seem to stop crying about it.
My pregnancy was such a special, sacred time for me. I really loved everything about it, even the parts where I was miserable or uncomfortable or anxious or scared to be a mom. I lay down in my bed now and when I realize that I won't feel my little baby moving inside of me anymore, I feel like I've lost something really special to me. I wouldn't trade her for anything, and I know that this is all part of life and how it moves along, but it's been kind of a shock. I tried to explain it to Rob, and I told him it's like part of my heart left me and went with her when she was born, and I'll never have it back. I'm afraid she'll just grow up so fast and though I knew this would happen and I know it will be wonderful to watch her grow at every stage, it's hard for me to think about right now with all the other emotions and things I'm going through.
I probably shouldn't be sharing this on my blog, because now all of you probably think I'm crazy. I've always been a person who feels things really deeply, and I need to acknowledge and experience my emotions in order to deal with things. Please know that I'm doing well, and that we're all really healthy and happy. This is probably the biggest moment of my life thus far, and in order to transition into motherhood it was inevitable that I go through some sort of mini-breakdown. I'll be just fine. In fact, I am just fine. Much better than that.
In closing, here are some pictures of my perfect baby. I'm pretty bad at taking them because I'd rather be looking at her, and I don't like to use the flash because I don't want to blind her, so they're not the best, but hopefully we'll get better on that end soon.
Our first family picture, after we dressed her up to take her home. Our favorite NICU nurse took it for us; we loved him. He was so kind and understanding and we was so sweet with our little baby. He really made us feel special, which made a hard time much easier.
In the car seat to go home! Grandma got her cute outfit and I made her little booties.
Finally all cosy at home. She really likes being swaddled, but she also likes to bust out of them. Her nurse said she was a baby Houdini.
We tried a headband today. I think Mama's gonna have way too much fun dressing up this girl. Although right now we have nowhere to go, so it only stayed on for a few minutes.
9 comments:
Oh, she is PRECIOUS! What a beautiful little girl! I hate it when people tell me, "Treasure them now, because they'll grow up way too fast." Uh...obviously. I treasure babies. That's what mothers do, right?
I'll throw in my little two cents as well (even though I'm sure you've heard it at least once before). It's a little sad when they get bigger, but not too sad, because babies get more and more fun as they get older. And, oh so satisfying for momma to watch to watch that amazing transition. You have so much joy to look forward to. ;)
Congratulations, Vienna! Your daughter is absolutely lovely.
that going home outfit is toooo cute! I need to learn how to crochet..
SO beautiful! She is such an angel! I'm so glad you got to escape from the NICU, and that your little one is perfectly healthy.
I remember those first weeks, no one can really explain how difficult it is. I didn't want to a admit it, but it was just SO hard. And recovery was such a beast. But that little precious one in your arms is all worth it.
Vienna and Rob,
She is SO beautiful!! We can't wait to meet her.
Jonessa & Derek
You describe so well how I feel after having a baby. And believe me, any woman who has had a baby does not think you are crazy.
Emotions are super strong after having a baby. It's just the way it is. It's amazing, but disconcerting as well.
I agree with you - pregnancy is special and I miss my baby kicking me EVERY time. Even though I love having my baby to hold more, I still miss her/him inside.
As for being sad your baby grows up - I never get used to that. This is my third time around and it is still hard. I LOVE LOVE watching my kids grow and learn, but my heart aches every time I realize that they won't be babies forever.
oh vienna you made me tear up! I'm just so happy for you guys, there really is nothing like it in the whole wide world. I can't wait to come see her and I am so happy that you are home safe and sound! She is so beautiful and so perfect. I can't stand it! I'm coming today :) it's so true, it goes by WAY to fast but it gets better everyday, everyday you'll say, this stage is my favorite, it's nuts. so exciting! Congratulations! I love her :)
I love that you shared your emotions and personal thoughts on here so don't ever say you probably shouldn't! I think I am also very emotional and every woman would be especially after having their baby. I wish you the best with Nolie and your family and look forward to the updates :) I'm so glad you guys are home now and you are doing well :)
She is so cute Vienna! I am so glad you are home and everything turned out well. We were all praying for you! We love you!
Congrats and welcome to the mom's club! she is so cute. hope all is well.
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